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A Tale of Two Beds (a story of woe)

Once upon a time, there lived a mighty king and his stunningly gorgeous queen. Their palace needed new beds for their young princes, who had been sleeping on mattresses and bed frames for their entire lives, and since the palace would be put up for sale in the next year and needed to appear nice and home-y, the mighty king and gorgeous queen went shopping.

(They also needed a new kitchen table for the same reason.)

Upon the Royal Radio, they heard an advertisement for a lovely place called (appropriately) The Dump. After purchasing a beautiful new table and set of chairs, the king and queen wandered over to the section of the store that displayed bunk beds for youngest members of a royal household.

The king and queen found a set of solid wood bunk beds that the young princes loved, and the beds’ price would not seriously deplete the royal coffers. So the king and queen decided to purchase the beds and paid an extra gold coin for the beds to be delivered and assembled the next week.

On the appointed day, while the young princes were jumping up and down, dancing in circles, and singing at the tops of their royal lungs, the Royal Deliverymen arrived at the palace to deliver and assemble the bunk beds. They carried the pieces of the beds up to the young princes’ bedroom, then came back downstairs with faces of great dismay.

“I apologize, Your Highness,” the deliveryman said to the queen, “but the Royal Dump has sent your servants with the incorrect hardware to assemble your Royal Beds. Please call the Kingdom of Customer Service, and they will gladly correct the problem.” The queen graciously thanked the Royal Deliverymen, and they departed the palace. The poor young princes were greatly distraught.

Little did the queen know that the Kingdom of Customer Service was a very evil, very scary place indeed.

“No, your Highness,” said the evil customer service representative, “our Royal Deliverymen are not authorized to assemble Royal Bunkbeds. We can mail you the correct Royal Hardware, and then you may assemble the Royal Bunkbeds thyself. Oh, and we will not return your gold coin, even though we did not actually fulfill our agreement. MMWAH-HA-HA-HA!”

The mighty king and now slightly less-gorgeous queen were greatly distressed. They sent out the Royal Army to slay the evil Kingdom of Customer Service. After several flaming electronic arrows, the King of the evil Kingdom of Customer Service at last relented and agreed to send his Royal Servants to assemble the Royal Bunkbeds.

On the determined Date of Peace, the queen waited all day for the Royal Servants to arrive. The poor young prince had a double ear infection that day, but she could not take him to the Royal Pediatrician because she did not know when the Royal Servants would arrive. As the sun was setting, the queen called the evil Kingdom of Customer Service to inquire about the arrival of their Royal Servants.

“Oh no, your Highness,” said the evil customer service representative, “our Royal Servants have already gone home for the day. Did not our Royal Page contact you? We have lost the Royal Hardware for your Royal Bunkbeds.”

The queen was greatly distraught.

The evil customer service representative pledged an oath to the queen (who had significantly more gray hair by this time) to order the correct Royal Hardware and contact her when it arrived in their evil kingdom.

The mighty king, the kind-of-pretty queen, the princess, and the two young princes left the kingdom for a well-needed holiday to the lovely kingdom of Kelley’s Island. When they returned, they still had not received word from the evil Kingdom of Customer Service. Finally, over a week after their return, the evil handmaiden called the queen and said the Royal Hardware was on its way, and she would call again the next day to give her a Royal Tracking Number for the package of Royal Hardware that was to be delivered to the palace.

But the evil handmaiden never called. A fortnight had passed, and the king sent another flaming electronic arrow to the evil Kingdom of Customer Service. The evil handmaiden promptly called the queen and said that she was sending the Royal Hardware that day, and gave her a Royal Tracking Number (which means, of course, that the evil handmaiden’s evil behind was sitting on the Royal Hardware for two weeks while she forgot to call the queen). When the package arrived, the queen was to call the evil handmaiden and set a date for the Royal Servants to come and assemble the Royal Bunkbeds.

The queen was beginning to feel some relief. But lo! when the package arrived, there was an enormous hole in the box, and only two small bags of small screws remained.

The queen called the evil handmaiden, and she has not returned the Royal Phone Call.

Sounds like a Royal Flush.


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